Si Mang Metchong
💔Regret
What is the biggest regret in your life... so far? Was it that you cheated? Was it that you stole something or someone? Was it that you ended a life? Was it that you let a moment passed by?
Even before Papa passed away, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That we have a set path as soon as we were born. That a person would leave this world whether they like it or not. A person could be in the middle of a chaotic, dire situation and walk away from it and live to see another day. And another could be a health nut and could die while sleeping.
I try to live my life without any regrets. I am fully aware that my actions have consequences. That my words could be lethal if not used appropriately. I was doing good until Papa passed away a few days after Father's Day 2021.
It was 9:41pm on June 22, 2021 in Milo, Maine. 9:41am on June 23, 2021 in Marikina City, Philippines. It was a Tuesday. I was already in bed when my phone was constantly buzzing. I finally looked at it and it was my Kuya (oldest brother.) I picked it up and the first thing he said was 'lakasan mo ang loob mo' (stay strong). I knew from that line that someone passed away. That someone close is gone. When he said "wala na si Papa" (Papa is gone), I was like... not possible. He's healthy. He's active. We just got his passport. He's coming to visit me so we can go hiking together and ride our bikes together. He can't be gone. He's gonna walk me down the isle eventually... I mean not in the near future. I still need to find a man waiting at the end of that isle but still... it'll be a dream come true. But most of all, I haven't greeted him happy Father's Day yet. I just sent him a message and was planning on calling him that week to actually greet him. It was a little too damn late.
I'd be very surprised if I ever have a bigger regret than that before I'm reunited with Papa and Mama.
20+ years of long distance calls and eventually, video calls. 20+ years of laughing, crying, being mad at each other, reconciling, catching up on family gossips and updates, catching up on gossips in general, talking about the past, the present and the future all through a medium that made the emptiness bearable, that kept us whole. The same medium that delivered the news that broke that circle, that made a permanent hole in our hearts.
So yeah... as you would have guessed, Father's Day has been erased on my calendar for four years now. I still greet my immediate family but that's the extent I'm willing to give.
Every year on my Papa's anniversary, I ride my bike as a tribute. He was a strong road biker — he would pedal to places no senior citizen should even try. Except for the second anniversary. That year, I finally made it to him.
🏠Finally, Home.
After 20+ years, I finally made the trip. The trip that would hopefully... put a stop to making any more regrets. I finally went home.
It was bitter more than sweet but it was okay. The bitterness will not go away but I'm sure that the impact will not be as bad. But it can only get sweeter moving forward.
In June of 2023, I finally paid my respects to Papa. It was the kind of reunion no one should go to or experience. I went to where he took his final breath. And then to his final resting place.
It was surreal stepping into the house that I grew up in. I sat on the same exact chair Papa was using when we do our video calls. I was able to look at the pictures and decorations closely. A lot has changed, but the feeling, the smell, the atmosphere were just as I remembered them.
I was able to visit with my family in Catanduanes. An island in the Bicol province where Mama was born and raised. Where Mama and Papa met. They were both softball players representing their respective regions - Papa represented the National Capital Region (NCR aka Manila) and Mama represented her hometown. Now that I'm writing that, and given that Mama passed away last year, I know realize the significance of that trip.
At that time, it was just to visit families and pay respects to those that have left this world. But I think it's more of bringing me back to where my family started. Without this beautiful island, who knows who my parents would have been?
Lola did not recognize me. She had a store. I pretended to buy something and there was no trace of recognition on her face. I wanted so bad to hold her. To tell her how much I missed her. When I finally told her who I was, it still did not register that I was her 2nd oldest grandchild. It was heartbreaking but it was my own fault.
On her birthday, my Kuya and I scoured what seemed to feel like the entire Luzon region to get her a rocking chair. My aunt said that she would love to have a rocking chair for her birthday.
We made some stops to take in the view and when we finally found the perfect rocking chair, even a small sedan is big enough to bring it to her.
But when we got to her place, she did not want it. She got really upset that we even thought of giving her a rocking chair. We shook it off and handed it over to my aunt. She said that eventually, she was using it almost every day.
She passed away March of 2024. A few months before Mama left us.
What it comes down to is that we exist because a man and a woman decided to have intercourse and the egg is inhabitable for the sperm and it produced another human being.
Whether you grew up in the best possible environment or the worst kind, the fact of the matter is, you are here. You are breathing and reading this blog. Be thankful for that.
If after this you decide to have a drink and smoke a cigarette, go for it but keep in mind that you chose to do those things - do not regret it. If after reading this blog you chose to read another blog or be a couch potato or troll your crush, go for it. But keep in mind that you chose to it - do not regret it. If after reading this blog you chose to hug your love ones and tell them that you love them and that you're grateful that they are on your side, pretty please, do it! They might regret hugging you if you stink but I can guarantee that you won't regret it.
Where to next, Puu?
There's a quote that resonates with me profoundly:
"Don't make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions."
I'm not sure who said it originally but it was a quote from Psyche. My daughter and I love that show! It was when Shawn's mom was giving him an advise.
This is the 4th year without Papa. I wish I'm home to visit his final resting place, and Mama too and Lola. Maybe next year.
But stay tuned! More outdoor stuff coming your way!!
